talking to people

imageRecently my son and I attended a week of surf camp.  We had an incredible time swimming all day, gathering seashells, meeting with old friends and new, and yes, even catching some waves. In the afternoons we learned about the wider ecosystem of the beach we were surfing on, attending talks by the Cape Fear Riverkeeper and the founder of the Plastic Oceans Project and participating in rain garden maintenance with the Coastal Federation.

The Plastic Ocean Project slideshow affected my son profoundly.  After showing us some of the damaging effects plastics have on the turtles, fish, mammals, and birds of the ocean, and reminding us that the ocean is ‘downhill from everywhere’, Bonnie explained that one simple way to take action is to refuse a plastic straw at restaurants.

My son became an anti-straw zealot on the spot. And since we’ve been on the road visiting family for the past week, he’s had plenty of restaurants to practice his policy on. At first I was pleased and proud of his new social conscience, though I know that straws are quite literally the tip of the iceberg-sized plastics problem, but lately I’ve been noticing something disturbing. Every time we enter a restaurant he not only refuses a straw, but then proceeds to judge everyone who DOES use one. “Look at that man”, he’ll whisper. “He used TWO straws, one for his water and one for his tea.  He doesn’t care about the sea turtles at ALL.”

And it struck me that this is the same subtle ‘othering’ that can lead one population to kill another simply because it has unfamiliar values, or an unintelligible language, or a different skin tone.  It’s the same ‘othering’ that can make us view the children of ‘others’ not as laughing, vivid, crazy-making-straw-refusing humans, but as collateral damage.

Bonnie’s work with the Plastic Ocean Project is all about collaboration:  building bridges between the soft and hard sciences, between academics and puppeteers, between chemistry and biology students, in the name of rethinking our concept of garbage. I was especially struck by the tone of positivity and enthusiasm she brought into the room, the excitement engendered by this collaborative solution-building.

Which made it all the more glaring when my son took this message of inclusiveness and turned it into divisiveness. Most painful of all, however, was awakening to a pervasive tendency of divisiveness in myself. This family-visiting road trip has been incredibly instructive for me. Extended family members who had dwindled to nothing more than a few political sound bites and snapshots on Facebook have become flesh-and-blood humans again. I’ve been forced to step away from my comfortable little tribe of like-mindeds and associate with ‘others’.  And I’ve been reminded of something very important. Fear and hatred are powerful motivators, to be sure. When I see stats on what my country’s policies are doing to oceans and children, I am galvanized into action. But the actions I am galvanized into doing tend to promote the same kind of ‘othering’ that allows us to deport children and destroy entire species without compunction. I get fanned into a furor of me vs. them. ‘Them’ being anyone whose sound bites do not match my own.

This is why I tend not to post political articles or opinions on Facebook–I’ve learned that if my little sound bite is going to change someone’s opinion, then the next sound bite that comes along is just as likely to change it back. All I’m doing is preaching to the choir or being inflammatory, and the last thing I want to be doing is engendering more divisiveness.  But I have noticed that I judge other people by their sound bites. I make snap judgments, I dismiss whole humans or assign them into ‘my’ or ‘their’ camp, based on a skimming of my newsfeed.

I’ve been reading a book called mindwise by Nicholas Epley, a psychologist who studies the way we read people.  Turns out, when we try to take the perspective of others, we are often wrong. Turns out, if you want to know what someone is thinking or feeling, the most accurate way to find out is to ask them. Which requires us to talk to people.  It’s a lot harder to dismiss someone you’re eating dinner with than it is to dismiss them over Facebook from several hundred miles away

Last month I learned that during the deadly 1854 cholera outbreak in London, when the disease kept spreading and people kept dying and no one could figure out why people were getting sick, one man, Dr. John Snow, thought to interview the sick families to discover what they had in common. He discovered, through talking to people, that all of the sick people were drinking water from a single pump on Broad Street. And then he performed an elegantly simple behavioral intervention: he broke off the pump handle. And thus ended the deadly cholera outbreak of 1854.

So I’ve been thinking about John Snow and political sound bites and plastic straws and extended family. And it seems to me that any lasting, effective change any of us hope to make will have to be rooted in a different paradigm than the reigning one of us vs. them. The kind of change we need is planetary, because the mistakes we’ve made are planetary in scope. We can’t afford to be divisive anymore. We need to talk to people. We need to figure out where they’re coming from, what needs and hopes and desires their actions rise from. We’re going to have to see even the most inflammatory of the ‘others’ as human, and we’re going to have to be smart enough to come up with ideas that make it easy, even desirable, to change.

Another collaborative solution Bonnie mentioned besides foregoing straws was incentivizing the return of plastics for upcycling into fuel. Apparently, there remain a few companies whose patents haven’t been bought out by big oil (see the othering I did there? Betcha there are families in ‘big oil’ that love to surf and care about sea turtles too, whose employment choices were the complicated result of circumstances I can’t even begin to fathom) who recycle used plastic into usable fuel. Imagine if there were plastic-return centers where anyone could bring waste plastics in for conversion to fuel and be paid by the pound for their efforts–if waste plastic were worth something I doubt there’d be so much of it lying around waiting to float out to sea. That’s a pretty great breaking-the-pump-handle intervention right there–making it easy to do the ‘right’ thing.

It reminds me of desire lines in Permaculture design. We have a species-wide instinct-driven inclination to take the easy route.  Parks the world over have bare patches worn into the grass where hordes of people have ignored the visually appealing, curving pathways to take the shortest distance between points. If the pump handle is broken, you’ll get your water elsewhere. But we won’t know what the desire lines are, which pump handle to target, why the behaviors exist, until we talk to people.

I heard an interview with the amazing Israeli musician Idan Raichel recently. He spoke about the heartbreaking situation in the Middle East in terms I’d never heard before. He spoke about exposing Israelis to the music and theater and art of the Palestinian people. To paraphrase: ‘If everyone is clamoring to open the borders so that they can hear their favorite musician perform, if art-lovers petition for checkpoints to open so the artists they’ve been hearing so much about can come through from Lebanon and Jordan and Palestine and Syria, the rigid lines of politics will soften and we’ll all just be humans, making change on a human scale.’  In other words, if we learn to see the people we fear and hate as people, if we learn by interacting and listening and talking with them that they are similar to, even valuable to us, our behavior toward them will change.

Which is is why we can’t afford fear- and anger-based interventions. If we want to build change on the level that change is required, we need to talk to people–the way that Bonnie does, the way Dr. Snow did, the way Idan Raichel proposes.  We simply can’t afford to ‘other’ each other any more.

 

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6 Comments

July 27, 2014 · 2:34 pm

6 responses to “talking to people

  1. Reblogged this on integral permaculture and commented:
    Lissa Carter at True Beauty Always has another well-written and insightful post that reminds about the perils of us vs. them thinking, and of the importance of interaction, listening, and talking: “Turns out, if you want to know what someone is thinking or feeling, the most accurate way to find out is to ask them. Which requires us to talk to people.”

  2. Awesome post. There is a lot of money invested in “othering” in making us want to judge and be judged and in public greenwashing and shaming where we are all supporting these industries etc. in our own way. I seem to remember an ancient plea of “Judge not, lest thou be judged yourself” and see it as a reflection that it’s our human nature to want to other ourselves into the ground. We have a naturally self destructive urge to distance ourselves from others but in so doing, we lose ourselves in the process. Excellent post…I am going to pin it on my “Pause for thought” board.

  3. Does being vegan or vegetarian cause othering? If not then, why is making a conscious decision to do one simple act that benefits the planet cause othering? I think the correct word is judging. I get that – let me tell you. It works both ways. People think I judge them if they use plastic and that is just silly. We all must be reminded not to judge. I agree with your advise “Talk to People” and wish you would have talked to me if you felt the message was confusing. I appreciate feedback and this would have been helpful had we talked about it instead reducing my presentation down to two negative messages – othering and “us vs them” especially when the emphasis revolved around working together on this global issue.

    • Hi Bonnie, and thank you so much for taking the time to read & comment! First of all, it saddens me to hear that you feel this post paints your presentation in a negative light. Both my son and I were very moved, inspired, and affected by your presentation and your very important work! What I was trying to work out by writing this was where and how in myself I flip the switch from positive action to judgment of others. I think for me, it happens because I feel overwhelmed and afraid, and then fall back on blaming others rather than making positive changes myself. The way out of this I have found is to talk to the people I’m blaming, the generalized groups I’m scapegoating, and let that human interaction bring me back out of the fear/anger from which I’ve been operating. This is my stuff, and I certainly didn’t mean to insinuate that it had anything to do with you or your project; quite the contrary–the positivity with which you approach what could be an overwhelming issue is what jump started my examination of why it is that I can so easily grow negative or judgmental rather than inclusive when I am working on things I am passionate about. Your talk was an incredible jumping off point for my family to explore both what we can do about the plastics problem (and believe me, we’ve been talking about it!) and also the ways in which we can catch and dismantle that tendency in ourselves to judge rather than include.

  4. Sorry, I didn’t think it sent as it did not appear. And just goes to prove, talking about misunderstanding helps. Thank you for commenting and please remove the last entry. I do value feedback and obviously, you have a lot of good insight of which I am always looking for to better my presentation. Thank you for clarifying. Your son has his heart in the right place and will work my wording so as to not insight bad feelings of others who do not feel the same way. It’s a learning process for all of us.

    • It certainly is a learning experience! And PLEASE don’t change anything in your presentation—something you said or did convinced my 9-year-old to give up straws for life! The judgment stuff is just human mess that happens later! Thanks again for the work you do, and for taking the time to comment so that I can continue to learn.

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